Well here I sit, stressed out. I'm sick, but not sick enough to need caring for. My kids are disobeying, but in small ways that I miss a lot of the time. And I'm just not coping well.
I've always love hearing those "you're a wonderful mom" and "your children are so wonderful" comments. But lately I feel like I'm unraveling, quickly at time and then slowly at others.
"Momma is grumpy", "momma is tired", "momma is sorry". All commen remarks around here, along with "LORD!!!!!!Please help me love them when they're making me crazy."
The thing is that it's not them making me crazy, but as long as I can blame it on them I dont' have to try to change. I can just keep being frustrated.
Ahhhh, but, it's me.
Yeppers I'm the one driving me crazy. I'm sitting and thinking about all of the injustice in my life. About the fact that NO ONE takes care of ME. :P And I'm finding all of my satisfaction in the fruit of my hands, which is pretty lacking lately. I dont' like how this person is acting and I don't like that my house is a mess and I don't like how fat I am, and, and, and ,and......
And I feed my stress, with food... good old sweet greasy food... and I stay fat, and I don't feel good and I get nothing done... amazing how by eating to deal with my stress I am creating more of it.
And yet I sit here finishing my "vent" and feel no better. Why? Because yet again I have sat here and played into the enemies hand, indulging my emotions, feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't easy. Not easy hey? I won't get started on that tangent.
Anyway the point is, it's all MY fault. I've abandoned the primary thing.
You oh Lord.
You hear my cries. You know my heart, you see these dark, ugly emotions that I'm relishing in. You see the hearts of my children when I shout. When I sigh at their jokes, when I spend the day involved in myself. And you, Father, you know why. I have left you behind, my first love. I have made you into a figure, not all powerful, omnipotent creator that you are. You oh Lord can heal these wounds and smooth these bumps. You can soothe my soul and refresh my spirit.
With only ten minutes of my "precious" time, you MY GOD can make me to be that "wonderful mom" again.
I'm sorry father, thank you that you forgive all of our wrongs and that it will never be seen again, Lord willing.